Up until pretty recently in my 20 years of life [let's say, up until 4 years ago or so] i was a kid without a very busy stream of consciousness. I discarded a lot of thoughts, and got pretty much carried by the stream of things around me, instead of really having an opinion, a thought, or reflections about stuff. I realized that many of our joys and sorrows actually depend on our expectations, and i preferred not to have any, than to be hurt or disappointed. i had a "wait and see" life-policy.

i haven't changed much since that.

i still do believe that our expectations establish our reactions to things, whether we are disappointed, or happy, but i don't try to discard these expectations any more. instead, i have discovered that being just very much aware of them keeps life colored enough, and helps one protect himself from more negative events.

i still am more of a "watcher" than a "doer". more of an observing person, than an acting one, and i pretty much like it this way. of course, some times, i ask myself why i haven't introduced myself to that pretty girl, or why i just stood there and watched, instead of engaging in that marvelous conversation about whatnots and doodads between some of my friends.

But what has significantly changed since then, or at least since the "then" i remember now, is that i have significantly more pieces of puzzles flying through my head. a wider stream of consciousness, even if not necessarily a more focused one.
There are a number of factors contributing to that widening, but i am writing here about one of them: i started to keep a Journal. A Diary, if you wish. At first i had no idea what to write in it. daily routines seemed to be too trivial to put there. i was looking for something memorable, something BIG, to deserve keeping.

Then i started jolting down scraps and pieces that went gaa behind my forehead, and turned upside down right between my ears.

I find it amazing how things that you write down suddenly stop bothering you. it is as if they somehow find a life of their own, off the grid of your other thoughts. The journal seems to be a keeper of some sort. a keeper of your thoughts, and a keeper of your memory.

a mnemophoros, so to speak.